And here a really quite shit year draws to a close. It’s like a full circle has been completed in the last few days. At the beginning of November 2024, we went on a trip to London as a family and it was awful. The Saint doesn’t like big cities and just sucked every drop of joy out of the whole two days. It was hard juggling the two kids’ different interests and wishes and I hated the whole trip (which had also cost me a fortune). I decided to go back without the Saint and with the kids separately to do what they wanted to do but couldn’t in the circumstances.

In February, I took Child3 to London on his own. We had a wonderful time – really, really good. I did everything on his terms in his time and he was brilliant company. We met up with friends of mine in the evening and he was great fun with them too. The whole trip was so enjoyable and I got so much out of quality time with him.

When I got back from that trip, I booked a trip for me and Child2 as she had wanted to see the Christmas lights and I wanted to take her to some shows. On 27 February, I booked for us to go between 26 and 29 December because any other time was impossible between school and gym commitments. When I booked it, I couldn’t have imagined how much we would both want to escape the house rather than be cooped up all together all Christmas.

We also had a great trip. Funny how I get on with everyone when the Saint isn’t there to ruin the atmosphere. We did all the things we wanted to, with no moaning, no sulking, no bad vibes. It was just really really good like my other trip had been with Child3. We talked about the trip last November and Child2 said she had blocked it out as it was so unpleasant. That was upsetting.

We got home and the atmosphere was strained. Child3 was really glad to see us and the Saint said that he had been quite upset that we were gone. The Saint however did not look that pleased to see us and there was already a snide comment to Child2 at the dinner table half an hour after we’d walked in. I did a couple of loads of washing and then tidied up the house as the cleaner was coming today.

Today, the Saint was working and I was at home with the kids. The cleaner was here so the three of us spent the afternoon up in the loft, playing computer games and me doing a jigsaw. I saw that the Saint had bought something to cook for dinner, so when he came home I went downstairs and chatted about his day and I set the table and went back upstairs to put some washing on and continue with my jigsaw.

When I came down for dinner (late as i had been hanging up the washing and put another load on – I hadn’t been able to do it earlier as the cleaner was there), there was a strange atmosphere at the table. I don’t know if he was annoyed that he’d had to cook after working all day, but like I said, he had bought something in to cook. Over dinner he mentioned we needed to go to the cinema tomorrow to use up some tickets that run out on 31 December. I went on my phone to look at what was on. I saw something that looked good and said so, then clicked on the trailer to see if it would be worth seeing. He asked what it was and i motioned to him to be quiet so I could get to the end of the trailer and look up what it was called in French. He looked furious. Like he hated me. Said it was like talking to a wall. I said it wasn’t. It was more that he looked like he hated me. He asked what he was supposed to do, he was so ill and could barely breathe and everything hurt (he’d been in work ffs!!) and he was exhausted and had been on his own for 3 days with Child3 whilst ill. I said that was unfortunate how it had all worked out but it had been planned a very long time ago. He said since Tenerife.

Honestly?! I have the fucking proof of when I booked it – 6 months before Tenerife. It’s like in his head that’s the benchmark of all that is wrong in our relationship, that i walked out of a miserable holiday and now everything is ruined. Well it sucked last November 2024 and it sucked all year since. This holiday wasn’t revenge for Tenerife. It was to offer the second of our kids a decent trip to London seeing as he’d ruined the first one for everyone last year.

I’m so done with the twisting of the facts. It’s all well and good me going away to escape him, but unfortunately I still have to come back to the house and then he’s got the added resentment of me having been away to throw at me. I feel so stuck 😦