I had 64 days of food sobriety. It felt good. It felt easy. I was doing everything you’re supposed to do – attending OA meetings, reading OA literature, saying my ‘prayers’, in touch with my HP… and I thought I’d got it and then i went on holiday 😦

It was rushed in the lead up to the holiday and things started gradually falling by the wayside, but i was still getting signs from my HP, eg I had thought about not attending a meeting and put it on whilst having a shower and it was all about how your illness doesn’t take a holiday when you do. And i was like ‘ok, noted HP!’ I was so sure I’d stick with it. And i didn’t.

For the first week of the holiday i made all the right food choices even though I was doing no reading or even reading the messages from my OA group. However, I didn’t eat the fast food that the kids did – i went for wholesome healthy options that didn’t trigger cravings. I had a bit of a cookie one day “to taste” because I really really really wanted to taste these particular cookies that everyone had said were the best ever… and i got away with it that day… but had awakened the beast. On the last day in New York, i made a special detour to get another cookie before we left. Then at the train station the next day, i bought ALL the desserts that I hadn’t tried in the 6 nights we were in New York – cookies, brownies, cheesecake, banana pudding. And I went nuts. That night, my sponsor touched base with me – which she never ever does, it’s on me to contact her – and I saw it as a sign from my HP to get a grip and so i did.

I ate fairly sensibly from thereon. Then one night in the UK, I got an unbelievable chocolate craving and went to the shop and bought a shitload of chocolate and a chocolate cheesecake. I got my period the next day (interestingly it was the first period since I’d gone food sober – i wondered if the absence of hormones had helped my sobriety). So I was like “ok, back on it”. Then i went out for a meal for my birthday. I was bought chocolates and THREE chocolate cakes!!!!! I had a bit to be polite. Then the next day we had a family gathering and a buffet and my aunty turned up with another chocolate cake. And i dived headfirst into the food and have been there for a whole week 😦

i’m having a colonoscopy on Friday. I need to detox from Tuesday and purge my system. I’ve been eating so much since my birthday on Thursday that I’ve had diarrhoea for 2 days. I’m in full-on binge mode. I’m not even convinced I can get back on it with an enforced detox and cleanse which naturally kick-starts it anyway.

I realise I need the programme and to stick close to it. At 64 days sober, I’d have never stayed sober from alcohol without constantly touching base with sober people and reading etc. I need to treat food sobriety in the same way and accept that i can’t do it alone or have days off for holidays/birthdays.

I got a whole tray of red wine spilled over me on my birthday and to compensate, they gave us free desserts and free champagne. It would never have occurred to me to drink the champagne because someone had given it me. I need to do the same with chocolate desserts.