Gosh is it almost two weeks since i checked in here? Well, guess what? It got worse!

The Saint went away with work for 2 nights last week. He left the house at 5.30pm and at 5.35pm, Child3 asked if we could have pizza for dinner and i had a momentary thought of “they can have pizza and i could still have a healthier option at home” but the “fuck it, it won’t hurt” thought that came immediately after won out and we all had pizza. I felt bloated yet peckish after it. It was not good. I busied myself prepping a meal to cook in the slow cooker overnight to avoid bad choices the next day of his absence. All went to plan.

Then on the Friday, i put another meal on in the slow cooker to cook throughout the day. I had taken the afternoon off for administrative tasks with Child2 and nothing went to plan. It was chaotic running around from one place to another and then i dropped her off at gym. Child3 wanted to go shopping for a toy for not sleeping with his dummy all week (sounds like a major win but in fact he’s back sleeping with to be able to do it – one step forward, one back). It took longer than expected and we didn’t have time to get home to eat. Child2 finished gym at 8.15pm and they were both starving and asking for McDonalds. Again i went for the option of eating at 8.30pm rather than at home at 9pm… on the basis that it wouldn’t hurt.

So McDonald’s is my number one enemy I’ve decided. It does to me with food what one glass of white wine does for me with alcohol. It lights up my head and turns on every single neural pathway craving sugar. I simply can’t go to McDonald’s ever again. The Saint says it’s against his religion eating in McDonald’s. That has to become my mantra. The food is shit and it causes too much trouble mentally. No excuses – I’m better skipping a meal than going down that route ever again. (Irony being that Child1 has finally got a proper job that pays his rent – in McDonald’s ;-)).

Saturday came, the Saint was back, i had the afternoon to myself and i immediately went and bought 3 chocolate bars. Yes three. I ate two and felt sick. I was walking around a shop and had to leave – the sugar rush made my heart race, i felt like i was having a panic attack and that the bottom was about to fall out of my stomach. If I ever say food doesn’t make me feel like alcohol does which is why it’s trickier to stay away from, then there was the proof that that is bollocks.

Sunday, i was up early to go to a gym competition. i decided to draw a line under the binge. I had made something for lunch when we got back. However, the competition over-ran by two hours… I was starving. I’d taken an apple, but there was cake on sale. Guess what I ate? Yup 😦 Then the gloves were off again – i had hot dogs on baguette, i ate a chocolate bar. i did not feel good again.

Monday, i was due to eat at a restaurant in the evening but i was trying to get back on track and attended an OA meeting at lunch, but only half-heartedly listened. By 4pm, i was buying Kit Kats out of the vending machine 😦 By the time we got in the restaurant at 8.30pm, i was starving and wanted to stuff my face. I got chicken kebabs with rice and mopped up the sauce with bread (I think bread might be a danger food for me too in that i can easily count it as part of a meal when I’m not bingeing sugar but never think to eat bread when I am bingeing sugar…). Then everyone fancied a dessert. I was full, but i wasn’t going to miss out on that!

And today i went back to my Indian restaurant where i got naan and rice with my curry and ate the lot. Then went and bought some chocolate to eat at my 4pm cravings, but had all gone by 2.30pm just after my ridiculously large lunch.

i am now officially in the middle of a massive fucking binge and half of me (rational head) wants to stop it right now and never come back to this place and the other half of me (addict head) wants to drag this out for a long long long time.

I haven’t used any of the tools of the OA programme in 3 weeks. I just can’t seem to shake the scepticism off. Yet a little voice is telling me the answer lies there and i just have to truly commit.