I’m back! And predictably it’s not with tales of success 😉

Last Thursday was a very busy day at work. At lunchtime, i dropped off some clothes to be altered in town and decided to have an Indian at the restaurant next door. I couldn’t decide between Naan bread or rice… so i ordered both 😦 And, worse, ate both full portions 😦 I felt so full after and I don’t think I’ve ever done that kind of thing before. Is it like the descent to the bottom with alcoholism – haven’t done that “yet”?

Also whilst eating, i was texting (another no-no!). I was chatting to the girl who has also restarted OA and is struggling to get her head around the spiritual side. And I also had messaged my sponsor to say it felt like a maths exam where i know the right answer to all your problems is “connect with your HP” but I’m not quite sure of the method to get there! I said i felt dumb. She asked if this was something i had been told often in life. I said that actually i had been made to feel intellectually lacking at home. My dad had even told my teenage son that i had “failed” my A levels because i was too interested in boys (I got an A, 2 Bs and a C which was hardly a fail but also not the 4As my sister got…). I sat in the restaurant crying. I’ve also only just made the connection between the emotional overeating and that conversation…

I had to pick mum up from the airport later and i bought a salad to eat en route for dinner, but was still too full from lunch. I decided i had eaten enough at lunch for two meals in any case so i skipped a meal (another no-no).

The next day was my busiest day of the year at work. I was slightly concerned that i would be eating my breakfast earlier than usual and eating lunch later than usual. I realise i have become obsessed about not leaving too much time between meals, like i’m afraid to feel hungry these days in case i binge. In the event, i was so busy that i didn’t even notice that I hadn’t eaten until 1.30pm! So yeah, like i can go between lunch and dinner waiting 6 or 7 hours without food, so I can go from 8am to 1.30pm without food just fine. We had an outside caterer and our own individual tray of food. It had a starter, main meal with bread, bread and cheese and a dessert. It was way too much food but I mindlessly ate it whilst working (more no-nos!).

Then we were away for the weekend…. more challenges. However, being with mum kept me on track. We are sooooo alike in every way… apart from our weight. And when I’m around her i feel like i have to maintain that one difference and do everything i can to not go down that path. I noticed weird things about her eating too… she left the salad every time (does she not like French dressings?), she finished Child3’s chips every time (even though she would never order chips for herself), she even nicked my chips when she had finished her meal! She also has no off switch when it comes to chocolate or dessert but says things are too sweet for her… Anyway this blog isn’t about her eating, it’s about mine. And around her i stayed abstinent. We ate in restaurants but i didn’t order desserts. I didn’t snack even though i was out of my routine… Then the minute i was out of her sight on Tuesday, i scoffed a chocolate tart. FFS.

I was like a pressure cooker waiting to explode. I don’t know if it was resentments (she drove me mad blaming dad for stuff still… oh yeah another thing she did was Child2 left the almonds on the top of the brioche and mum said ‘good god, what’s wrong with you lot not liking these,” and mum ate them and then said ‘I blame your dad, he was the fussy bugger” and i was thinking “you haven’t eaten the salad i’ve eaten, you wouldn’t eat the seafood i have eaten this weekend and yet you’re criticising me for not liking nuts?! And taking a swipe at my dead father in the process! This is fucking nuts!”) or the going away, or the eating out, or the gradual slip into bad behaviours around food… or the homesick feeling it gave me… or what. But I’ve felt off kilter ever since she left on Tuesday and I’ve been struggling to stick to my eating plan.

Of course the other thing i haven’t done either is blog, or attend meetings, or read the literature, or check in with my sponsor. Or CONNECT WITH MY HP. I need to get into the habit again and regain my serenity that i felt at the start of last month.

Oh and i was sleeping in the loft while mum stayed and the bloody scales are up there so of course i couldn’t resist “checking”. I’m on track and i can feel it in my clothes fitting better, but that won’t help with my “i can have a bit more to eat then” mentality.