Day 30

Stuck in a meeting room from 10.30am to 7.30pm. Stuck to 3 meals though.

Had interesting chats with fellow sober people who have done OA. One has had to revisit the steps and is where I was 4 weeks ago with the headfucks and how is this done and how do you really hand it all over and not be in control. Made me think a lot about what it is to really work the programme and accept this as a way of life instead of just another way of controlling food and weight. I’m still kind of faking it until i make it.

It also made me think back to a time where food wasn’t on my radar that much. I was skinny (I drank tons of coffee and wine and smoked loads of cigarettes – all of which i have kicked into touch) and ate 3 meals a day. Didn’t have a sweet tooth, ate appropriate food in appropriate amounts at appropriate times and without any effort or thought. It took me a long time for sobriety to be without effort or thought, so in the first month of this, it’s completely unrealistic to have it all sorted.

we’re going away at the weekend and i have already booked all the restaurants. I have no idea what sights we are going to see, but the meals are all sorted. Now is this just normal planning and me being practical? Or is it me focusing on the food and not the company and the sightseeing? the jury is out on this one…