Urgh.

Child3 was in my bed all night coughing and spluttering. I woke up like a woman possessed with a mission to sort out all the crap in the house. (Mum’s coming to stay for the first time in over 4 years – it was probably the last time the house got this treatment!)

The Saint wasn’t feeling well either, so I dealt with lunch. However, Child3 wanted something else and so the Saint said he would cook his fish fingers. Except he faffed around and didn’t start cooking them on time, so the rest of lunch was ready and that bit wasn’t (as if I couldn’t have cooked bloody fish fingers!) and I was snappy and the Saint went absolutely mad.

I’m kind of done with being the only one trying not to react all the time. His reaction was so way over the top. Anyway, after lunch (which the Saint didn’t eat), i said i was sorry and he said it would need more than that. I was like “what have i done???” Turns out he had totally misunderstood what was a playful remark earlier that morning. Like completely and utterly got the wrong end of the stick (this is the danger of bilingual conversations). He went out to do the shopping and i fumed. I tried to turn to my HP and drown it out with mantras/prayers/whatever, but honestly all i wanted to do was leave the house and never come back. At which point i was like “ok this is a tad over the top”. But i was really really pissed off. Still, i knew my HP would not want me to write shitty messages. Nor would it want me to leave. But boy was i fucked off with having to behave well when he doesn’t have to. And for something i hadn’t even said!!!

i kept busy and then, at 5pm, I told the Saint I was going to drop a boot load of stuff off for the Ukrainians. He came and gave me a hug and said he loved me. No apology, but hey at least we were friends again. It felt like a minor win.

one of my step 4 resentments is at my mum and how she let my dad treat her like shit and never stood up for herself. I feel like her behaviour now was trying to keep a dignified silence and peace and be the bigger person. It’s weird how you change perspective over the years. I absolutely hated my dad during my teenage years and I never understood why mum stayed with him. Then after i had child1, who dad thought he would never meet because of his poor health, we got close and particularly in the last few years before his death when i felt really alienated from mum and was more like “why did dad stay with her?” I know my daughter has picked up on a few occasions where I haven’t said anything and i’m just like “shhh. Let him get it out of his system and we’ll avoid the row like this”. My kids are much easier going than i am, but i hope she understands what I’m doing and why.

And Child3 was playing the devil’s advocate today. After saving me from myself yesterday, he kept offering me “one piece” of chocolate. I kept saying no thanks, but it was torturing me. Until he said ‘it’s just so good, i can’t stop eating it’ and i was able to say “and that is why i have to avoid it all together.”