I’m conflicted about where I am going with this. Something has to change clearly. The obvious place for me to start is with the food. I sent my sponsor a plan of action which was all about meal planning, sticking to my plan of eating with no cheating, making better choices when eating out and she replied with “It is interesting to me that at no point in all of this have you mentioned connection with your God”. Which gets straight to the heart of my issue with 12 step programmes!

I’m a devout atheist. Even yoga is too airy fairy for me to buy into. I tried meditating in early sobriety but just kept falling asleep and decided maybe all I needed was a good night’s sleep… I kind of keep faking it and hoping I’ll make it, but it does feel fake and phoney and I am very sceptical about ever experiencing a “spiritual awakening” or being guided by a Higher Power. I have relinquished control of things with incredible results in the last few months, which kind of makes me want to believe in a power greater than me, but I mainly feel that’s because I’m starting to behave like a sensible adult now I’m not listening to the petulant inner child that’s been running me for five decades…

So Day One has been mainly in headfucks about the spiritual element of 12 step programmes. Whereas the inner child in me (I get the irony, given what I’ve just said!!) wanted a gold star for good behaviour for getting back on track by sending the other inner child to the naughty step and eating like a responsible adult for the day – three healthy, prepared in advance, meals, and an apple for a snack mid-afternoon.

Right now I’m feeling a strange and confusing mixture of pride at getting back on track after only two weeks of sugar bingeing (the last one lasted two years) and feeling too dumb to get the core element of 12 step programmes…